In the beginning…

In the beginning was the peanut, and the peanut was alone.

“I need a warm planet to grow on,” said the peanut. “Let there be a planet!” And there was a planet. The peanut looked and the planet was good.

As the peanut looked at the planet, it realised that peanut and planet were spelt with almost the same letters. The only difference was a U instead of an L. So the peanut took an L from the planet and a U from itself and created a lettuce. And the peanut looked at the lettuce and was pleased: it was very good.

At first the lettuce was happy and it grew in the peanut’s garden. But one day, as the peanut was walking around the garden, the lettuce became angry and attacked the peanut and beat it into a mess of peanut butter.

But the lettuce didn’t know that this was what the peanut had in mind all along because without a lettuce to mash it up, there would never have been any peanut butter. And without any peanut butter the bread would have been naked and it would have been ashamed, except maybe for a bit of jam that the peanut made for it when it realised it was naked.

And so it came to pass that the peanut and the lettuce were reconciled but could still never quite bring themselves to share the same sandwich, especially not with the jam. Which is why the Church of England is in such a mess and women are not allowed to be Bishops.